Monday, November 08, 2010

The short(er) version....part deux

[*This won't make much sense until you read part one here. :)]

Even now, when I start to think about the level of panic I was in, my breathing pattern changes and I feel my chest tighten. To say it was stressful would be incredibly understated.

No income. No job. Lots of bills. Kid's birthdays. Lots of meltdowns. Lots of tears.

So much of this is a blur now, but I think we just kinda froze and tried to make our life look somewhat normal, scrambling to pull ourselves together. Crying out to God is what I did constantly in my mind and heart (and Josh too), but it took awhile for Josh and I to cry out together. I needed him to act confident that we would be ok, but the reality was that he wasn't always confident. We both knew that God would work it out and that He would provide, but that truth was always in competition with the minute by minute realities that things were due, there wasn't enough money to cover it and real solutions were scarce.

We knew he would start getting paid again at the end of August, but we were afraid of what shape we would be in by that time, and the spiral of getting behind would definitely follow us for a long time.

It's hard for me to remember all the details and time line, but here's what I remember most about how the Lord met us....

--randomly finding $100 in my car....a check my mom had written me for something a long time ago that I never cashed.

--having our family cry and pray with us....telling stories of how God provided for them in hard circumstances.

--telling a dear friend about what was going on and her husband asking Josh to work with him part time over the summer (in fact, Josh is still doing some things on the side for him). It never once occurred to me that Josh could work with him.

--family and friends sending us checks and gift cards that covered an expense that we needed right then. (Isaiah's birthday party supplies were covered completely with Target gift cards)

--the Lord meeting me in the car on my way to Asheville to see a friend. The car had no air conditioner, I was in stand still traffic on 85 for a long time, it was incredibly hot and I was crying (again). He spoke so, so clearly to me as I cried. I knew He was in control of it all. I knew that He heard every one of my cries and saw every tear that fell. I knew that He loved me immensely. I knew He had a plan. I knew He had brought us here because He loves us.

--numerous sermons, passages, songs, etc that spoke the exact truth and comfort that I needed to hear at that moment.

--a small envelope containing a couple hundred dollars my mom gave me that I was able to stretch and make cover a months worth of groceries. I think God kept putting money in that envelope and caused me to find amazing sales as the month went on...seriously.

--Josh, miraculously, being able to pay our mortgage on time each month. Then paying everything else one bill at a time as the money trickled in....and it did.

--being approved by the bank for a loan that covered the rest of our bills for the summer. Deep breath.

I only journaled once in the middle of it all, but that one entry captures so much....

On August 2nd I wrote:

"I've cried out a lot to You this summer. I feel like we've been kicked in the gut
over and over and over. Jobs have fallen through, we've gone into more debt...
we keep trying to climb out of this hole and it feels like once we get a glimpse
of blue sky, something knocks us back down to the bottom again.
I'm mad and discouraged.

And yet, I keep reading psalms this morning that ask,
'Why should I fear when trouble comes?'

And in reading Psalms 65 and 66 I can see clearly how
YOU are the One who distributes wealth and what we need;
YOU make the mountains and calm the stormy seas;
YOU cause mornings and evenings to come and go;
YOU water the earth and provide the grain;
YOU bless the land with growth and cause hills, meadows,
flocks, valleys and grain to overflow with riches and
'shout and sing together for joy.'

But YOU also 'have tested us; YOU have tried us as silver is tried.
YOU have brought us into the net;
YOU have laid a crushing burden on our backs;
YOU let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
yet YOU have brought us out to a place of abundance...
but truly God has listened;
He has attended to the voice of my prayer.
Blessed be God, because He has not rejected my prayer
or removed His steadfast love from me!'

He has met us and heard our prayers. I say that with confidence.

And He wasn't done with us. More would come.

To be continued....


Anonymous said...

I am loving reading your thoughts. Even though I know most of this, I love your writing style and love being reminded of how faithful and GOOD our God is! Keep on writing girl! Love you!


Meghann said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE this (and you).