Going deep

"Going Deep with God By Having Him Carry Our Loads" is the title of a short article I read through tears today. I had just gotten off the phone with a dear friend who I'm very honest with. She had to get off pretty quickly and in that short conversation about a million worries and anxieties about our future came to the surface of my heart. Stuff I've been working pretty hard to keep down and out of mind because it's ugly and feels too hard to deal with. I'm sure she didn't know what was happening...we were just talking about life like we normally do, but as soon as we hung up I dissolved into a heap of sobs and tears.

All my anxieties about selling our house, finding another house, having a settled, peaceful home for our new baby to come home to, our finances during the summer, Josh finding a summer job, our yard needing to be mowed, our food budget for the month, finding a home for Max, boarding Max over the weekend when we go to the beach, Josh's anxieties about all of this and how he's handling it.....and on and on and on.....all came out.

I know I need to trust the Lord and that has been a battle too. Feeling like I want to trust Him and rest but my heart just wouldn't let go of it all. The "fear not" and "do not be anxious" verses I've been telling myself over and over were not getting through.

So I just told the Lord. I've cried out to Him before, but this time was different for some reason...maybe just brokeness. I was beginning to read another article I thought would magically fix it when He literally interrupted my thoughts and starting pouring into my heart compassion and understanding. Not just black and white truth, but real compassion for the war that's been happening in my heart. I couldn't even read anymore...there was nothing to do but listen and when the flood of thoughts stopped coming I wrote them down so I would remember.

That's not how my time with the Lord usually goes, but I love when it does...almost always when I'm most broken and desperate. He spoke so specifically to the details, the circumstances, the deepest thoughts I've been thinking....even reminding me that the couch I'm sitting on was ordained and hand-picked by Him to be in our house (much less all the needs we have for the future). He's in every detail of my existence. But the main thing was that He is my Keeper. He has kept me and He will keep me forever. My help comes from Him. He has ordained every unknown we're facing right now, the progess of emotions I've experienced and every tear to fall to bring me to this point. The point where I am experiencing Him keeping me through all of it. It was just sweet and good. I felt so known and understood by Him again.... strongly reminded of His intimate dealings with me and all my circumstances. But also reminded of strong biblical truths my heart was just too weak to believe before...this time with fresh grace to grab hold of them. I guess He's big to me again. He's strong to me again...way more than the unknowns that were weighing me down. This is kinda like a journal entry for me, but I hope it makes sense.

I may need to be reminded of all of this in, like, 5 mins but for right now I'm resting...finally.


Here's part of what I read and how I read it:

"I will not let your foot be moved;

I who keep you will not slumber.

Behold, I who keep Israel will

neither slumber nor sleep.

I am your keeper;

I am your shade at your

right hand.

The sun shall no strike you by day

nor the moon by night.

I will keep you from all evil;

I will keep your life.

I will keep your going out and your coming in

from this time forth and forever more."

Ps 121:2-8

And while I'm blogging....

I have a few random questions....

--When preparing for a newborn and have a toddler what kind of crib do you buy? Do you give the newborn the crib you already have and get a toddler bed (don't think he's ready for that yet)?

--If you've used a double stroller, what kind do you prefer? A side-by-side or a tandem (one in front of the other)? If you're really happy with your double stroller, what kind is it?

--When you haven't cleaned your oven in 5 years what gets out impossible crud without soaking your lungs with chemicals?

--When you haven't cleaned your cloth shower curtain in 5 years how do you wash it without ruining it?


I think that's about it for now.

I was on the Today Show last night

It was my first time there, of course and the set my segment was on was a stage. I couldn't believe that only about 10-12 people were in the audience outside of the camera crew and producer. The back stage area was bare except for a few props like chairs, a lit mirror for last minute hair and makeup fixes, a table with glasses and a water pitcher, etc.

I was a wreck. No one really spoke to me once I was back stage because they were all running around getting ready for their segment. The co-hosts only came out of their dressing rooms for their 3 mins and then went back into hiding. In fact, the only one I remember really seeing was Hoda. She was nice, but in a hurry.

I already had my packet of info that listed all the segments in order and the main points they covered. I was told which segment was mine, but there were no prompts whatsoever on how to begin the segment or what to say during it. I think they just expected me to know that and I was trying desperately to cover up that I didn't. It was my very first day and I was FREAKING out. No one asked if I had questions...I finally stopped a lady who was also in a hurry and gave one word answers.

Then it was my turn. I was right after a commercial break, during which they told me where to stand on the stage and which camera to look at. I knew the few people in the audience were there to size me up and see if I would work out. They counted me down (again, no prompter) and I got through the beginning with basic interviewing skills I had learned (like how to sound upbeat and have a good opener). I was holding my segment outline by my side out of sight of the cameras and it was a good thing because right after my "Welcome back to the Today Show. I'm Dana Hartness and today we're taking a look at how..." I went completely blank. I stopped mid-sentence and rummaged through my papers. I managed to get out a little chuckle and a small joke about it being my first day before someone yelled, "Cut!"

I had no idea this was pre-recorded segment...I guess they didn't want to take a chance going live with a rookie.

Apparently, at that point in the dream my brain couldn't take the inevitable rejection that was coming so I never found out if they fired me or not. I did learn, however, that apparently, in my subconscience, there is a hidden desire to star on a morning show. Ahh...pregnancy.

Mixed emotions

I waited as long as I possibly could. He's 22 months today, it's hot outside and he was called "a pretty little girl" by 3 different strangers yesterday. It was time. So, 1 hour, 10 bucks, some whining and almost an entire pack of graham crackers later, it was done.

At first I thought all his adorable little ringlets that I had fallen so in love with were gone. They were sooo tight in the back and when stretched out they came down to his shoulder blades. Josh and I both had those when we were little. He looked so much older and grown up which made my heart ache. Then we walked in house and in his normal whiney voice he said, "I 'ant milk!" about a thousand times.

I sighed and thought, "same kid, shorter hair." And after getting it wet, the back of his hair curled right back up. Geez. I'm dramatic.

Before...

What got us through the whole having to sit still part.

Not having the best time.

All done!

Still there!!!