I just read this post by a girl named Katie. She looks like she's my age, maybe younger.
She lives in Uganda.
She has adopted 14 beautiful, Ugandan girls.
Her words have rocked me to the core.
I have tears in my eyes and many, many questions. The same haunting questions that have roamed around in my heart for years now. They come to the surface often these days.
~How do I do this?
~What does this look like for me, a 30 year old wife and mom of 2?
~Do we move?
~Do we stay?
~What is my day supposed to look like?
~How do I make my "down time" count for the Kingdom?
~Outside of caring for my family, who do I invest in?
~When it feels boring around here, does that mean I'm wasting my life?
~When I feel like our budget is too small to give anymore than we are, does that mean I'm wasting our money?
~What do I do when I feel comfortable and am so scared of what that means?
~Why don't I feel clear in my calling?
~Why have doors closed?
~Do I just want to be able to say I'm doing something radical so people will praise me?
~What's really in my heart?
~Am I really just supposed to love my kids and husband well and write checks to Africa when millions are dying everyday?
~How do I fight this magnetic pull towards wasting it all?
~What do I do when my husband feels called to a profession that keeps us in the US and doesn't pay well, and I want to give more, do more, be more?
~What do I make of these days of being home with my two precious, young boys?
~How do I truly pour myself out for them and live out the gospel in front of them, when so much of caring for them now feels so incredibly mundane?
~I know I'm called to plant the seeds of the gospel in their little hearts, teach them, mold them, shape them into young men that love Jesus more than anything else....but when they're 18 months and 3 1/2 years old, how exactly do you do that?
And there are so many more questions.
And I do know some of the practical answers. But my heart is just crying out for more....in ways I can't really put to words.
Do any of you feel this way?! I would love to pour a cup of coffee and dig into all of this with you....but I would cry. Gosh, I cry just typing this out.
I just want my life to count.
I want to have an open heart for my sweet Savior to fill and use radically....in a way that doesn't make sense to this world without Jesus.
I want my life to point to Him.
*and P.S. this kind of thing would normally go into my safe, little journal, but I've run out of pages and haven't gotten a new one....so now you're involved and, so far, I'm ok with that. :)