Wednesday, November 09, 2011

The Hard Moments

I am just about 16 weeks pregnant now and, I have to say, this feels like the hardest of all of them. Now, in full disclosure, I do have pretty easy pregnancies. I don't get very sick, I don't require medication for nausea, I'm not bed-ridden (except by choice) and I am not high risk. So, I feel bad complaining at all because I know women in all of those categories and I think they are freaking champions. Truly.

However, I was expecting to get my energy back around 12 weeks like I normally do, but instead what I have is the ever-shrinking will to live. Not really, but it feels like it. It takes everything I have just to get myself ready in the morning, and if it's a morning that I have to get me AND the boys ready to be somewhere (several times a week)....I am pretty much done for the day by the time we reach our destination.

The real issue here is not just that I have zero energy. It's more that I have zero patience. I apologize to my poor boys at least once a day because the daily norm has caused me to lose my pleasing personality over and over.

And can I be honest? I know this is going to reveal some ugly stuff, but when I spend time with the Lord in the morning and it doesn't "fix" me...I feel robbed a little bit. I REALLY want to be gracious, loving and patient to my kids and not get mad at them for being the sinful little creatures that they are. I want to give them the loving, gracious training they need from me....but in the moment, I lose the battle more than I win it.

I guess somewhere I believe that the end result, me being gracious and patient, is the only proof of God's grace to me when it's hard. And if I'm not those things, somehow I missed out on that grace. Wrong, I know. It's just a little harder for me to swallow that sometimes the grace is that I come to the end of myself and cry out desperately to Him. And sometimes the grace is that we got through the day, it may not have been pretty, but there was (hopefully) confession and forgiveness and Jesus died for it....and tomorrow is a new day.

So, here are some things I'm trying (and plan to try) to implement both before and in the midst of those crazy, rage blackout (as my friend calls it) moments to try to regain some sanity:

--send kids outside to play in the back yard until I can pull it together

--send kids into separate rooms with doors closed until we all calm down

--go Ikea, use the free childcare, get free coffee and sit and read for an hour or so

--pull away (usually locked up in my bathroom) and try to count the gifts of the day that I'm thankful to God for

--confess right there to the boy(s) that Mommy is having a hard time and can we pray together? (pretty much breaks the cycle in my heart immediately)

-- start a pot of water for hot tea and light a yummy scented candle...both very soothing to me

--keep on top of the clutter as much as possible so the house doesn't feel like another stresser

--put on music

--go to the park for awhile and get fresh air

--schedule a coffee date with a friend 1-2 times a month to look forward to

--have verses about God being my help and rest up where I can see them easily

--realize that today is just a particularly hard day and a movie for the boys and pb&j for dinner is ok :)

Got anything to add?

PS...I enjoyed reading this article and I especially love her closing line: "Thank you Lord, for loving my holiness enough to give me kids."


Corey said...

First of all, I would like to volunteer to be the coffee date that you can look forward to. :) Secondly, I would like to say that you are a million times tougher than you think you are. Don't be discouraged, Dana. The pregnancy hormones make everything seem more intense, but you know that you won't feel all this craziness forever. Being a mommy is what you do best, and you have 2 beautiful, intelligent, kindhearted and precious boys to prove it. You will make it through this. :)