Through tears and panic I read the sweetest verse the other day. Luke 12:32...
"Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom"
I honestly don't know if I've ever read that before, though I've read Luke several times. It's one of those things where God reveals a verse to you like it's the first time and your heart really gets it. Anxiety has definitely been the unwanted guest in my heart lately....mainly due to a rash. Inflammatory Breast Cancer is in my family and I've noticed a rash that's come and gone pretty much since I've had Isaiah. I never thought much about it because it almost covered my whole body at one point and then went away. This one area is the last to leave and it was when I researched the symptoms of IBC that I freaked out. At the time, if felt like I had several symptoms and I was convinced I had breast cancer.
This is something I've battled for awhile now. Not just the fear of cancer but being convinced that I will have it eventually. I have no idea where this all started...probably too much reading and definitely too much idle thinking. I feared the diagnosis, treatment, more fear, prognosis, leaving Isaiah and Josh and anything else Satan brought to mind. All of this built up fear came to a head this past weekend. I have been battling a cold that feels like it's gone straight to the reasoning part of my brain. I was completely handicap. No matter how many scriptures and promises I read or how much I talked through it or prayed through it, this intense fear did not let up. I cried off and on all weekend out of sheer panic and had constant headaches. It would let up some then hit me hard again. Despite missing church because I didn't feel good (probably the worst decision) we had a very busy Sunday planned with my sister-in-law's birthday and a good family friend flying in from Norway for Christmas. I just couldn't wait to get to my in-law's house where hundreds of distractions would greet me. I didn't want to think anymore. On the way there it hit again...probably the hardest and as I was reading promises again. I truly felt like I couldn't control it and it wouldn't stop. I was crying and having trouble breathing, but in the midst I had the clearest thought from the Lord. "This is much more about what's going on in your mind than your body." I told to Josh to please pray for me and as he did it just completely lifted and peace came for the first time all weekend.
I am convinced that there is something uniquely powerful about having someone else intercede for you that didn't happen when I was just praying for myself. As Josh prayed against Satan's attack on my mind the fear and panic just left. I don't know if I had a panic attack or not, but it is abundantly clear that God is teaching me to put my trust in Him....and even more that He is able to cause my heart to trust Him when I clearly can't on my own. I was completely unable.
Through the whole journey, the verses I read sank deep in my heart calling it to once again stop trying to save itself....."Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." It's easy to call your life "rubbish" when things are fine, but at the very thought that things weren't fine my heart tightened it's grip like a little girl clutching the toy she didn't want to surrender and shouting "mine!" I'm not sure this ever gets any easier. I am sure that my heart desperately needed to go through it and will again over and over.
Update Friday morning 11:00am:
I am just returning from the doctor's office where a very kind woman looked me over and basically just said that it looked like an ordinary rash or skin irritation that may or may not be caused by yeast (who knew?) and gave me a prescription for a cream. I told her my family history and she offered an ultrasound later if I was still worried, but didn't see any need for it now. She did however tell me that the "mini pill" I have been on is known to cause anxiety and depression as well as weight gain. I nearly cried right there from relief. I just had no idea what was going on with my body. This confirms my previous feelings about birth control and makes future decisions much easier.
Thank you for this journey, Lord. Forgive me for not trusting You. You are the God of my mind, body and heart and have proven over and over to be for me....all of me. Thank you for your grace and kindness. Help me to continue to treasure you above health, family, the future and all the unknowns You will call me to. You are good.