Going deep

"Going Deep with God By Having Him Carry Our Loads" is the title of a short article I read through tears today. I had just gotten off the phone with a dear friend who I'm very honest with. She had to get off pretty quickly and in that short conversation about a million worries and anxieties about our future came to the surface of my heart. Stuff I've been working pretty hard to keep down and out of mind because it's ugly and feels too hard to deal with. I'm sure she didn't know what was happening...we were just talking about life like we normally do, but as soon as we hung up I dissolved into a heap of sobs and tears.

All my anxieties about selling our house, finding another house, having a settled, peaceful home for our new baby to come home to, our finances during the summer, Josh finding a summer job, our yard needing to be mowed, our food budget for the month, finding a home for Max, boarding Max over the weekend when we go to the beach, Josh's anxieties about all of this and how he's handling it.....and on and on and on.....all came out.

I know I need to trust the Lord and that has been a battle too. Feeling like I want to trust Him and rest but my heart just wouldn't let go of it all. The "fear not" and "do not be anxious" verses I've been telling myself over and over were not getting through.

So I just told the Lord. I've cried out to Him before, but this time was different for some reason...maybe just brokeness. I was beginning to read another article I thought would magically fix it when He literally interrupted my thoughts and starting pouring into my heart compassion and understanding. Not just black and white truth, but real compassion for the war that's been happening in my heart. I couldn't even read anymore...there was nothing to do but listen and when the flood of thoughts stopped coming I wrote them down so I would remember.

That's not how my time with the Lord usually goes, but I love when it does...almost always when I'm most broken and desperate. He spoke so specifically to the details, the circumstances, the deepest thoughts I've been thinking....even reminding me that the couch I'm sitting on was ordained and hand-picked by Him to be in our house (much less all the needs we have for the future). He's in every detail of my existence. But the main thing was that He is my Keeper. He has kept me and He will keep me forever. My help comes from Him. He has ordained every unknown we're facing right now, the progess of emotions I've experienced and every tear to fall to bring me to this point. The point where I am experiencing Him keeping me through all of it. It was just sweet and good. I felt so known and understood by Him again.... strongly reminded of His intimate dealings with me and all my circumstances. But also reminded of strong biblical truths my heart was just too weak to believe before...this time with fresh grace to grab hold of them. I guess He's big to me again. He's strong to me again...way more than the unknowns that were weighing me down. This is kinda like a journal entry for me, but I hope it makes sense.

I may need to be reminded of all of this in, like, 5 mins but for right now I'm resting...finally.


Here's part of what I read and how I read it:

"I will not let your foot be moved;

I who keep you will not slumber.

Behold, I who keep Israel will

neither slumber nor sleep.

I am your keeper;

I am your shade at your

right hand.

The sun shall no strike you by day

nor the moon by night.

I will keep you from all evil;

I will keep your life.

I will keep your going out and your coming in

from this time forth and forever more."

Ps 121:2-8